stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day I Reemerged

My hip hurts. Earlier I had a little impromptu dance party in my kitchen. And, well… I think I shook my groove thang a wee bit too much.

I miss girls’ nights out. My sister, our friend, and I would get all dolled up in the requisite little black dress (although it didn’t have to be black. I have several in various colors and styles. And shimmery! I love dresses that sparkle!!), heels that defy gravity, hair all done up, and makeup “on fleek” (I cringe whenever I hear that phrase so I have no idea why I’m using it now. But I’m just going to go with it). Then we’d go somewhere where we could have a few cocktails and then go wild on the dance floor. Good times. No, great times!

I bet you thought I was gone for good, huh? Well, to be honest, I thought I was gone for good too. At the turn of the New Year I was in a very dark place. I was humiliated, was lied to and manipulated. I just wanted to hide from everyone and everything. And I did a (somewhat) good job at it too. I even canceled appointments I had with my therapist (don’t worry. I’ve since Zoomed with her, so we’re cool) and I lost some weight. I don’t know why my automatic response to hard stuff is to stop eating, but that’s what I did. And I did it subconsciously too. I was so focused on work that I didn’t realize I wasn’t eating until things got pretty bad. I actually stepped on my scale four times before I realized that the scale wasn’t broken. That’s when I started to do the math: why my skinny jeans wore more like fat pants, my jammie shorts threatened to drop to my ankles with every movement, and why my squishy parts were a lot less squishy. No worries though. My squish will soon be back. For lunch I had a cheeseburger and carrot sticks. So in no time my wiggle will have a little more jiggle.

Even through my self-isolation, Joe (AKA the rat bastard) had become a serious pain in the ass. He made it clear he didn’t want to be with me and yet he’s been constantly calling, texting, and showing up at my house to pound on my door and yell my name if I don’t answer (Once at 2am. Once again I reiterate - the rat bastard!). And then he showed up proclaiming his undying love for me and trying to sweep everything he did under the rug by saying that he just got scared and acted impulsively. When I insisted (for the 100th time while dodging his grabby hands) that he and I were well and truly done and will never be together again, all of his lovey-dovey-ness turned mean really quick. And he accused me of being a whore who wasted no time moving on to another guy.

The other guy he referred to was the guy who told me about the pictures Joe took and shared. I thought they were friends but it turns out they were never friends. But he has become my friend, which is kind of weird when I think about it too much since he’s seen me pretty much naked. He’s been checking up on me (which at the very beginning was SO incredibly awkward even though it was sweet [and, let me tell you, I did not make it easy on him!]) and we chat a lot.

I know it’s seems odd that we became friends. But we did. I think the breaking point at which we truly became friends is one day when 6+ inches of snow was dumped on us. I looked outside and there he was shoveling my driveway. From my porch I yelled out, “What are you doing?” and he yelled back, “I’m digging you out.” That’s when I said, “Dude! I have a snowblower!” There was just something about the blank look on his face and the fact that he resembled a snowman all covered in snow that had me giggling. And a friendship was born.

We’ve even watched season 2 of the Mandalorian together. Well, not together - together. He was at his place and I was here at mine. We were just on the phone together while we watched it. (Like him, are you shocked that I’m a Mandalorian fan? My sister sure was when she found out. Heck, I even shocked myself!) Now that we’ve watched all of season 2 (I NEED season 3!!), he’s been saying he’s going to get me to watch Star Wars next. And I keep telling him that if it doesn’t have Mando or Grogu in it I’m not watching it. He wants me to see it because in the very last episode of season 2 when that guy (I can’t remember his name right now) took Grogu away I yelled out, “No!” and I wanted Mando to kick his ass. It was explained to me that he was a good guy but I still don’t care. I don’t want those two to be separated!

But anyway… Regardless of the nonsense Joe has spouted, nothing inappropriate has ever happened between my friend and me. It’s been nice having him as a friend. In some ways I think it’s because of his friendship that this dark shadow that’s been over me for the past several weeks has started to lighten a little bit. Just a little. I still have my moments when I want to run far away from everyone and everything. But, I’ll get there one day. Hopefully.

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4:50 p.m. - 2021-01-25

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